The Shadow Knows

by

Gurudarshan Khalsa, MD

The poet Robert Bly described the shadow in this way: We are born into this world with the all light and joy of the angels and the heavens, totally connected with all of life. (Just stop for a moment, right now and remember the beautiful presence of a happy young baby that you have known or seen.) Babies are 360-degree globes of radiant light. But soon our parents start to tell us things, like: Don’t do that. That’s not nice. We don’t do that in our family. Good boys and girls don’t act that way. Each part of ourselves that is criticized, we disown and place in a bag over our shoulder. When our family is done with us, our friends start in. Soon our 360-degree globe has become about 15 or 20 degrees and we have a huge bag of disowned parts dragging behind us. The job of self-actualization or realization is to reach into that bag and reclaim all those disowned, shadow parts of ourselves. The term shadow refers to both positive and negative qualities. The dark doesn’t mean only negative, it simply refers to something that is out of the light of our conscious awareness. 

Shadow work guides us through the process of reclaiming all the parts of ourselves that we’ve stuffed into that bag. Often, these aspects of ourselves have been locked away for so long, that we have forgotten that they are there. Let’s use an analogy. Imagine that you are about six-years-old. One day, your parents announce that all your uncles and aunts and cousins are coming over for a big family get-together. Some of your cousins are older than you and they can be a little bit rough. You decide to hide your favorite toy so that they will not break it or steal it. You hide it very well. So well, in fact, that you forget where you hid it. Pretty soon, you not only forget where you hid it, you forget that you ever had it in the first place. So, the object that was most precious to you, is no longer available for you to enjoy. 

The same is true for our authentic selves. Situations occur that make us feel unsafe to share who we really are, so we hide these precious parts of ourselves. We make up a persona to protect our sensitive underbelly. We create a character to play. We pretend to be a certain way. The character we create is one that we hope will fit in with our families and friends. We take on the qualities or characteristics that seem to be safe to express in our particular environment. 

Each and every one of us has had situations or circumstances in our lives have dimmed our light. It’s not actually the situation or circumstance or event that dims our light, it is our interpretation of that event. As a result of certain experiences that have happened to us, we form beliefs about who we are or about how the world is. In her book, The Secret of the Shadow, my friend and teacher Debbie Ford calls these interpretations shadow beliefs. They are the unconscious beliefs that establish our limits and control our thoughts, words and behaviors. Some of the most common shadow beliefs are: “I am unlovable. There is something wrong with me. I am inadequate. The world is not safe. The world is not fair.” (Can you relate any to of these?) Our shadow beliefs are usually created very early on life, often before the age of 8. 

Our shadow beliefs become our personal operating system. Computers have operating systems that determine what the computer can and cannot do. Likewise, our shadow beliefs determine what we can and cannot do, what we can and cannot have and what we can and cannot be. Once these beliefs are formed, they attract people and situations into our lives that reinforce what we already believe to be true about us. For example, if you believe that you are unlovable, you’ll call forth people and situations that will reinforce your belief that you are unlovable. So, if a person tells you 100 times how much they love you and then one time that person gets mad and says, “I hate you,” you’ll say to yourself, “I was right, nobody loves me.” It’s like each of us has our own personal radio transmitter. We send out frequencies into the universe and attract circumstances and events that harmonize with that frequency. And then we get to be right that we are unlovable, we are unworthy, that there is something wrong with us. We all love to be right about our shadow beliefs. 

Our shadow beliefs continue to reinforce themselves. They become self-fulfilling prophecies. They form the basis of what Debbie Ford has called “our story.” The story that you created to protect your precious gifts. The problem is not that you have a story, we all have a story. The problem is that you believe you are your story. Living inside this story, within the confines of our shadow beliefs, is like being surrounded by a clear plastic capsule. It is so transparent that you cannot see it. Imagine yourself being surrounded by this clear plastic capsule. Now, imagine yourself reaching out for something that is outside the capsule. You can feel how the capsule severely limits what you are able to have in your life. As long as we are living inside our story, we will continue to experience the same old thing, over and over again. We prefer the safety of what we know (even though it is not fulfilling our dreams), over the fear of stepping outside our limiting stories. So take a moment now to reflect on your own life. Allow yourself to see all the times and places where you’ve chosen the safety of what you know, instead of taking the risk to get what you really want. 

As Ford writes in The Secret of the Shadow, “Many of us have spent years of our lives trying to “fix” our limiting stories. We seek out books, seminars and spiritual teachings in an attempt to rewrite the plot or recast the characters of our personal dramas. Underlying our desire for self-improvement is the hope that making some minor improvement – changing our body shape, our job, our friends or family – will allow us to transform our lives and feel good about ourselves again. But until we understand that the root of our problems is the mistaken belief that we are our stories, we will be bound to the never-ending cycle of searching, trying and failing.” 

Resentment and blame are the glue that keep us stuck inside our stories. Think of a person whom you resent, someone who did something to you that you believe damaged you or ruined your life. It may be a parent or an ex-lover or some other person who really hurt you. Take a few moments to feel how this person has affected you. Allow yourself to feel how much you blame this person for the current condition of your life. As long as you continue to blame this person, you have the perfect excuse for being unhappy with your life. 

You can never change what this person did, but you can change how it affects you. You can change your interpretation. Self-help author Gerry Jampolsky said, “Forgiveness is not condoning or approving the other person’s behavior. Forgiveness is giving up the belief that you were injured.” Forgiveness involves reclaiming your wholeness. It involves healing our wounds and taking responsibility for our own lives. 

Our stories can be quite limiting, but they also come bearing great gifts. Each of us was born into this world with the potential to be a unique and magnificent human being. But in order to fully develop our potential, we have to have certain experiences and some of these experiences involve pain and loss. You see, there is an intelligence in the universe. This intelligence keeps the planets in their exact orbit. It created the exact atmosphere necessary for life on earth. This intelligence of the universe also gives you exactly what you need, in your own life, in order to become who you were meant to be. Every event in your life has a gift in it. The events that have been most traumatic also contain the biggest gifts. They are all essential parts of your unique recipe. The events that we have not accepted and integrated cannot contribute their wisdom to us. So instead of us being able to use them, they continue to use us. 

Carl Jung said, “The gold is in the dark.” By uncovering our shadow beliefs and underlying commitments and making the conscious choice to replace them with beliefs and commitments that serve and inspire us to reach the life of our dreams, we can come out carrying the precious, golden treasure of who we really are. 

If you want to learn more about “The Shadow,” I suggest the following books: The Secret of the Shadow by Debbie Ford (my favorite) A Little Book on the Human Shadow by Robert Bly and Owning Your Own Shadow by Robert A. Johnson.

Gurudarshan Khalsa, MD is a Certified Integrative Coach, Holistic MD and yoga teacher. He can be reached at (248) 541-4834 or via email CoachKhalsa@yahoo.com.