The Next Challenge In Our Evolution As Empowered Women
by Daina Puodziunas
 

Personally I prefer selfish to simmering, cranky, hostile, and long-suffering. And is it really selfish to take the time to have a self? You need a self for self expression – and you need a self for al lot of things as well.

Julia Cameron

During the first half of our lives, many of us played a big part in the women’s movement for equality. In our passion to prove that we were capable of being, doing and having whatever we set out minds to, we pulled out all the stops. We pressed on, not allowing anything to get in our way. We were determined to do it all. We multi-tasked and were darn proud of being better than men at it.

What happened was that we took on many, many hats and became everything to everyone and many of us lost ourselves in the process. In an attempt to prove that we were good enough, we became super heroes. We did indeed prove that we could take a lot on, but at a cost to ourselves. Many of us (me included) burned out, became ill, resentful and confused.

Then in midlife, we got all these great messages like: “It’s Your Turn Now!” We were tired of watching everyone else go to the ball while we were busy seeing how many plates we could juggle at one time and decided that it was finally our turn. Eager to satisfy the hungers of our souls we started on a mission to make our own dreams come true. But we couldn’t move forward. We spent thousands on seminars, books, schools, therapists, teachers and mentors, but we stayed stuck.

It’s so easy to think that there is something radically wrong with you when you are in this kind of situation. Believe me... I know it so well. I also know how maddening it is. In fact, I don’t think I have ever experienced anything more frustrating, humiliating and scary in my entire crazy life. So here we find ourselves... strong, gifted, empowered, wise, courageous women and we can’t move forward on our dreams.

So what’s this madness all about? What’s the problem? If you have a dream, wish or desire that you feel in your heart of hearts and you find yourself unable to move forward, it is very likely that you are the one holding yourself back without even knowing it. It’s an inner dynamic called “conflicting intentions” where a part of us wants to go for our dreams and another part wants to stay safe and in familiar territory even when it is at a great expense to ourselves.

The safe and familiar territory is the shadow that we have been fighting our entire lives. We don’t want to appear weak, greedy, selfish, incompetent, inconsiderate or ungrateful. After all, we are empowered, self-aware women. We are hard working, dedicated, loving, honest, generous. Deep in our hearts we know that we are “good” people and we are going to make damn sure that everyone else knows it too.

If you don’t think this is true, think of the last time that you carved out a block of time for yourself. Did your plans get interrupted? Did someone need a favor? Did you drop what you were doing and storm off to the store, the meeting or give them a ride? Do you cave in to other people’s tantrums because they make you feel bad? Do you brag about how much you tolerate... “See how much I work?” Does conflict make you uncomfortable? Are you afraid people will dislike you if you’re not cooperative? Welcome to what I call “The Cinderella Archetype.” This is at the root of the inability of most women to move forward on their dreams in midlife.

How do we think we can suddenly have the courage to focus on making our own dreams come true in the second half of our lives when you can’t keep a two hour commitment to yourself? If you go for your dreams, do you think some people may become jealous, offended, irritated? You bet they will and they will want you to know about it! And if you are more committed to proving that you are a selfless, caring, good person, you will take care of their needs before you take care of your own.

I found out that many of us answer “yes” automatically. We don’t even think about it. It just sort of falls right out of our mouths because it is such an ingrained habit. I was shocked at my response when my oldest daughter (who has two children, one- and two-years-old) asked me to watch their dog for a week while they went on vacation. “Sure” I answered and felt good about it.

Now, I love animals, but I don’t want to take care of one any anymore. I decided that years ago. Not even for a day, let alone a week. Not only that, I don’t like their dog very much. She is very wild and crazy. Never mind that there would be her dog doo-doo all over my beautifully kept yard and possible interruptions during my coaching calls.

I felt fine about it when I went to sleep, but then I woke up in the middle of the night with a knot in my stomach. I really, really didn’t want to take care of that dog, but I love my daughter so much and I wanted to be helpful to her. I knew I had to be my own fairy godmother and call her up the next day and tell her the bad news. It was harder than I thought, especially when she told me that they already bought the plane tickets knowing that everything was taken care of. Yikes.

“Don’t cave in,” my inner fairy godmother whispered. I slowly began to tell her that I was very sorry for having to rethink my answer. I told her that I am in the process of learning how to take care of myself and it gets a little tricky sometimes, but I will get better at it. When I hung up the phone I felt a huge wave of relief and very, very proud of myself.

It takes tremendous strength to break the spell of the Cinderella Archetype. You need a supportive environment of other women and a commitment to become your own midlife fairy godmother. Then hold on for the greatest adventure of your life.

What if there was nothing left to prove? What if you were good enough in your own eyes? What if you gave up the fight to prove yourself? Think of all the energy that would be liberated for moving forward into your enchanted second life.

Daina Puodziunas (Dinah) is the founder of Midlife Fairy Godmother Enterprises ™~ Embrace the enchantment, abundance, & vitality of your inner fairy godmother & experience second half bliss. Women’s retreats, online tele-classes, midlife crisis coaching, professional speaking. She has been leading workshops since 1987. Join her free Midlife Adventurers Club at: www.MidlifeFairyGodmothers.com and receive online monthly newsletters. Contact her at Dinah@MidlifeFairyGodmothers.com.