When we are attracted to another in a romantic way, a chemical goes off in the brain; we can’t sleep, we can’t eat and life is wonder-filled. Then the chemical wears off and all things you thought were so cute and you laughed about, those same things are the very things that get on your last nerve. Jesse and Melva Johnson of Personal Transformation, say that this is the way the Universe gets two people together, otherwise we wouldn’t get with those people and learn the invaluable lessons that we learn in “relationships.”

We all have unhealed places and healing is the purpose of our being with another person. In the beginning of a new relationship we are on good behavior, we look our best and often we wear a mask. After the first 90-120 days the mask becomes heavy and we recognize that it drains our energy and we begin to come out without the mask on. Many people are afraid to let you know who they are. They think, “If you knew who I really was you wouldn’t like me.” I say “Be yourself… because you are going to be yourself eventually.” Find out sooner than later what’s really up in the relationship and save yourself and the other person some time.

What makes being in love such a powerful experience? When I ask people what they most value about falling in love, they mention qualities such as: joy, passion, acceptance, vitality, surrender, innocence, power, magic, openness, curiosity, aliveness, creativity, purpose, genuineness, trust, appreciation and expansiveness. When we recognize that these qualities are facets of our own true nature, it becomes clear that falling in love can provide a powerful glimpse of who we really are.

Opening to another in love gives us a taste of what it is like to be fully present and awake, with access to a rainbow spectrum of human resources emanating from deep within ourselves. Some people regard falling in love as an illusion or temporary psychosis. This is true when we imagine our partner to be the source of these qualities… no one can give you what you already are. It’s important to stay conscious and to remember that in your lover, spouse or friend’s presence you may feel fully present and more fully awake but they are not the cause; it’s already in you.

Conscious lovers understand that relationships are like a trip to the divine physician’s office. How can a doctor help us unless we show her/him our wounds? Our fearful places have to be revealed before they can be healed. Reveal all of your fears to the Spirit within you and ask for a miracle.

Marianne Williamson says in her book A Return to Love, “We don’t have to remind God that we desire wonderful relationships. God is clear about that. A Course in Miracles teaches us that a desire is a prayer. The most enlightened prayer isn’t ‘Dear God, send me someone wonderful,’ but, ‘Dear God, help me realize that I am someone wonderful.’”
Conscious lovers understand that pain doesn’t come from the love we weren’t given in the past, but from the love we ourselves aren’t giving in the present; to ourselves and to others. Real work can only occur in the presence of rigorous honesty. In conscious relationships it is important to stay current in the honest expression of your feelings. Conscious relationships demand honest communication, no matter how painful, no matter how frightening.

Anger is often a result of a series of uncommunicated feelings building up inside of us. Stop suppressing your feelings. A Course in Miracles says, “You are never angry for the reason that you think.” Most of the time the person you are really angry with is you.

When we ask God to heal our life, God shines a very bright light on everything we need to look at. We end up seeing things about ourself that maybe we’d rather not see. This is good. We often must become painfully aware of the unworkability of a pattern before we are willing to give it up. It often seems like our lives get worse rather than better when we begin to work deeply on ourselves.

Sometimes our healing process can feel so painful that we are tempted to go backwards. It takes courage… this is the path of the conscious lover… to endure the sharp pains of self-discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would keep us stuck for eternity.

The goal of conscious loving is full recovery and the only thing we need to recover from is a fractured sense of self. Affirm “ I am whole, complete and enough.” Affirm it for the next 21 days. Consciously love you and then others.

The Sufis make an interesting distinction between what they call “states” and “stations.” A state is a temporary moment of access to an essential human quality – such as aliveness, joy, strength, kindness – that arises and passes away spontaneously, beyond our power to call it up or hold onto it.

A station is the same essential quality when we have fully integrated it, so that we have permanent access to it whenever it is called for. It’s understanding that these qualities are all within oneself.

In love’s early grace period, we experience the state of love and presence, but we are not yet installed in the station of love and presence.

We glimpse the gold of our true nature in intimate relationships, but soon discover that we don’t have full access to that gold. It is still embedded in the iron ore of our conditioned patterns. If love or any other quality of our being is to become a station in our lives, rather than just a passing state, we must go through a refining process, in which the gold is extracted from the ore. This refining is the journey of conscious love. Each relationship has been a part of the refining process, then you grow to realize you are the one you have been looking for and you are home. Then you live and love consciously, fully and deliberately.

Shaheerah Stephens is the author of the Wealth of A Spiritual Woman and the Spiritual Leader at Transforming Love Community. She leads retreats, workshops, seminars and is available for speaking engagements. She can be reached at Shaheerah1@aol.com or (313) 270-2325.