THE HOLISTIC LAWYER

 by Mindy Hitchcock

And the Grinch with his Grinch-feet
Ice cold in the snow
Stood puzzling and puzzling:
“How could it be so?”
It came – without ribbons.
It came – without tags.
It came without packages
Boxes or bags.”
And he puzzled and puzzled
’Till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of
Something he hadn’t before.
“What if Christmas,” he thought,
“Doesn’t come from a store?
What if Christmas, perhaps,
Means a little bit more?” – Seuss

In How The Grinch Stole Christmas, Dr. Seuss brings us “The Grinch,” who lives just north of Whoville. Or maybe, he lives in the mirror.

“The Whos” love Christmas – a lot. Like Ebenezer Scrooge before him, the Grinch is of a practical bent. He sees no point in the expense, the trouble and the “noise, noise, noise!” of Christmas. And so, disguised as Old Saint Nick himself, he decides to “steal Christmas” by taking everything related to it: the trees, the lights, the presents...

As Grinch is creeping into the house of Cindy Lou Who (who is not even two) and pilfering her tree, she gets up for a drink of water and confronts him in the act. Mistaking him for Santa Claus, she speaks to him and opens his heart to the truth that there is more to Christmas than tangible gifts. With one word, childish wisdom defeats Grinch’s malice, by teaching him that the really important Gift which is wrapped up in Christmas cannot be touched with the hands. As such, it cannot be stolen away in a bag. It can only be thrown away voluntarily.

At Christmas, we reaffirm the people who make up the fabric of our lives; most especially, our inner circle of family and friends. Divorce can tear that fabric; but not if we are wise.

Despite the upheaval that parting brings, families in divorce can preserve unity and harmony at Christmas. In fact, if we remember that love never fails, we can still be close to all those we deeply love, – unless we allow the “Grinch” of bitterness to steal those priceless gifts.

My parents got divorced when I was 13. Their parting was acrimonious. We stayed behind with our mother, who was very bitter. Dad remarried and replaced us with a second wife and her child. Over the next 40 years, they were the objects of his attention, fatherly compassion and love.

Mom lived out her days, afraid and alone. As the years passed, bitterness consumed her and she took revenge on our father by speaking against him to us. Some of what she said was even true.

The result? Not only did the “Grinch” of bitterness cost us a father. We that remained became estranged from each other as well. Smite the shepherd and the sheep are scattered. As the years passed, each of us went out on our own, wandering alone down life’s highways.

This last August, my father died, at 84. By that time, although he was just recently departed, to me he was already long gone. Two months later, in October, we lost our younger sister Patricia. A long term alcoholic, she left Michigan 22 years ago, with barely a word of notice and we never heard from her again until after Dad’s death – when I spoke with her; once, briefly, just before she died.

After Patty’s departure, my older sister Nancy and I went to Colorado to see to her final arrangements. Our brother was there and he gave us her laptop computer. Nan and I pored over the pictures we saw there, of this beautiful woman we never knew and the life she had lived without us. Oh! We loved her then and wept for the time we never spent with her.

Mom did not intend to cause such damage to our family with her words. She never realized that her bitterness was stealing our loving family bonds. She was simply reflecting her own pain to her children.

Pain is a natural part of divorce and it is healthy to release your emotions instead of “stuffing” them within. At the same time, it is absolutely critical that we speak well of our ex-spouse in the hearing of our children.

As I reflect on Patty’s departure, from our lives and then again in death, I renew my own commitment to encouraging my clients in divorce to find productive ways of translating their pain into love instead of vengeance.

Parents are like gods to their children. The entire basis for our understanding of human relations stems from the way our parents communicate with, and about, each other.

If you are going through a divorce, make an effort to speak well of your spouse in your children’s hearing. It may feel satisfying at the moment to use harsh words and you may even be telling the truth; but the long-term effects can steal the joy from your children’s lives. Give your children the gift of love this Christmas. Let them keep their loving memories of both parents. Encourage them to think well of your spouse. If you are sharing custody, give your children the gift of abundance. Instead of lamenting the “destruction” of the family, tell them that they now have two places to call home. Express your feelings of bitterness and loss elsewhere.

Love is like a muscle. Exercise is a challenge, but the more you use it, the more power you have to give. If you encourage your children to love your spouse, this does not mean they will love you any less. In the end, they will love you more for allowing them to have a childhood free from having to decide who was “at fault” for the breakup of your marriage.

Simply by becoming aware of the ways divorce can impact children, parents can decrease and even prevent, many of the negative consequences of divorce. Research shows that 75 percent of children and adults who go through divorce do not experience long-term emotional problems. In many instances, divorce even leads to a better life.

It’s true: divorce can be the catalyst for an extraordinary life. Families can still be strong after a divorce. That’s why the best way to handle divorce issues is to emphasize the positive impact of the process in helping the family turn a page.

Yes, children of divorce do experience trauma. But most don’t suffer long-term damage if the parents recover quickly from the emotional upheaval and resume their roles as parents. When the adults stay in character, the kids do just fine.

If you are going through divorce this Christmas, don’t be the Grinch that steals your childrens’ shot at happy relationships in their own lives. Forget about trying to prove who was right and who was wrong. They are not the jury. Release your hard feelings to someone other than your kids and let them hold you both in their hearts, in love. The difference you make will affect generations to come.

© 2007 Mindy L. Hitchcock