Keeping Your New Year's Resolutions

 by Jesse & Melva Johnson

Remember in elementary school when we would exchange Valentine’s Day cards with our classmates. The cards asked, “Will You Be My Valentine?” Some kids got lots of cards. Maybe you were one of those. Or maybe you got a card from the person you really were hoping to get one from. Recall how great it felt to know that your classmates thought you were special. They “liked” you and Valentine’s Day gave them the opening to let you know that.

But some kids didn’t get any cards. Maybe you were one of those. We’re sure that you remember how that felt? It didn’t feel good and was probably quite painful. Your sense of “self” was diminished. You might have wondered whether or not anybody liked you. How do we know about all of this? It’s because we were two of those kids who rarely got a Valentine’s Day card.

This Valentine’s Day is likely to be painful for some because of the lost of a partner or a friend through a breakup, a divorce, death, an unfulfilling marriage/relationship, or some other unfortunate life circumstance. We may remember precious moments and wonderful experiences that we once had. We miss those special times and regret that we no longer have them.

Others may be sad because we long for a relationship with a special person – someone that will make us feel loved and cared for. And because we currently don’t have such a person in our lives, we wonder what’s wrong with us? Why can’t we find our soul mate? Sometimes friends and family members unknowingly ask questions that are quite upsetting when they say things like, “you’re such a nice person why aren’t you married?” or “when are you going to ‘find’ somebody and settle down?” Their questions are often intended to be helpful but they don’t understand that they’re really not. They are reminders of the anguish we often feel longing for a mate with whom we can share our lives.

So, the feelings we had as children on Valentine’s Day remain with us into adulthood. As children, we decided and believed, incorrectly, that we were dependent on receiving love from people outside of ourselves. We looked for validation of our “lovability” from others. If we got it, we were happy and we felt good about ourselves. If, however, we didn’t, we were likely to have become sad and depressed. It is unfortunate, but true, that many of us continue to be so painfully unhappy because we believe, incorrectly, that who we are and our “likeability” must be validated by someone outside of ourselves. Some of us are so desperate to be validated by others that we will remain in painful physically and emotionally abusive relationships. We tell ourselves that one day our partner will change and will give us the love, caring, and validation we need. Of course this rarely, if ever, happens. Is it any wonder, then, that some many of us live our lives in quiet desperation – unhappy and even miserable in our lives and relationships?

This Valentine’s Day we’d like to propose an alternative. We have two suggestions that will make this Valentine’s Day special for you.

The first idea we suggest this Valentine’s Day is that you learn how to validate yourself. You do this by: (1) very carefully monitoring your self talk; (2) filtering out the negative messages others might say about you; and (3) making a habit of nurturing and caring for yourself daily. Take control of those thoughts that you allow to take refuge in your conscious (and unconscious) mind. Become the “police person” standing at the front door of your mind. You open the door to those positive, inspiring, uplifting, and growth producing thoughts that you receive or tell yourself. And you block those that are negative, self defeating, limiting, and destructive. You’re in charge! Take control of your mind….what you think, how you feel, and how you’ll live. Remember that you are unique. There is no one else on the planet quite like you and you’ll experience the highest quality of life when you allow yourself to be your most authentic self. All of us are waiting for you to show up and be the person you were always meant to be.

Our second suggestion is that this Valentine’s Day you be the person who makes sure that no one is left out. Just like in elementary school, look around and be aware of the people in your world. Be a Valentine to those who are not likely to receive one and who could use a lift. Your valentine might be a card, a “Happy Valentine’s Day” greeting, or whatever you can think of that might be needed and appreciated by that person. The idea is to let others know that they are being thought of, appreciated, and cared for.

The really neat thing about giving Valentines is the fact that when we give one, it’s really a way of giving to ourselves. Our subconscious minds believe that when we give a gift to another person that it’s really for us. So when we give, we receive a double benefit.

We’re suggesting that we begin a new pattern for Valentine’s Day. Rather than waiting and hoping to receive a Valentine, we can give one to ourselves and others. We don’t have to wait until Valentine’s Day either. Every day can be a special day. We can practice loving and caring for ourselves daily so it becomes a habit. And when we fill our own hearts and minds with love, the more of it we can pass on to others. Just imagine a world where everyone is loving themselves and giving love to others. It starts with us—one by one—to create such a world.

Happy Valentine’s Day. Happy Every Day!

Jesse and Melva Johnson are Relationship Counselors, Educators and authors of “Mining for Gold In Your Relationships.” Reach them at 248-547-1180 or their web site: www.PersonalTransformations.Com.