The Illusion Of Romantic Relationships

OK it’s February, Valentine’s Day is rolling around and this whole illusion of “romantic relationships” comes into focus. The Hallmark and Zales commercials will bombard us and remind of us that life is not worth living unless you are in love with a significant other. Whether we are with someone or not, we are always “in love” because God is love and we are living in God.

One of my teachers said, “Most people already feel that they are not enough.” So here we go again, we are being enticed one more time to judge ourselves and to affirm the lie that we are not enough. I hear it all too often, “Something must be wrong with me. Why don’t I have a husband, wife or lover?”

We chase this illusive, romantic state. Sometimes we catch it and before we can get comfortable holding it, it changes into something else. We think that it’s going to bring ultimate fulfillment. We’ve been mis-educated; there is no substitute for heaven. And heaven is not without, it’s on the inside of us. George Benson told us a while back, “ The greatest love of all was inside of ourselves.”

I was sharing with a young man recently who basically has fear of being with himself. “Stop running from you. Cultivate some time getting to really know you and enjoying you,” I said. Jumping out of one relationship into another might feel good, but only for a minute. It’s like when you have a toothache and you take some strong pain medicine, you get relief. Then the medicine wears off in the middle of the night and you are right where you were in the beginning, in pain. All you did was mask the pain for awhile. The tooth will have to be pulled, repaired or have a root canal. In our culture we are so accustomed to putting band aids on gaping holes. I understand this so thoroughly, I used to be the queen of avoidance. What I have found is that it compounds the time it takes to heal because of all the layers we have piled upon ourselves.

A dear friend of mine Lewis Johnson wrote a song in 1990, called, What You Are Looking For Is Looking. “What you are looking for you are looking with,” Lewis would say. It’s like walking out of your home in Redford to search for it in Chicago. That doesn’t even make sense right? Well, that’s the whole point, this thing that we do searching for what we already are doesn’t make sense. Wake up! We are love itself and the ego wants us to remain asleep to this truth and be miserable.

I love romance. Yet I have observed how it can end up being tyrannical because of what we “think” it is going to bring to us or who it is going to turn us into. Tyranny is defined as oppressive power. A thought, whether true or false has the ability to overpower our mind, thus our lives. To seek what you will never find is like setting your sights on capturing a real unicorn.

We are under an illusion that our romantic relationship is going to “make” us happy. If you aren’t happy, you are not going to be happy when you are in relationship either. If you aren’t happy, you really don’t have attracting energy anyway. So the place to start is falling into love with you.

Another illusion is that the relationship is going to be happy all of the time. When we are not happy; we often blame the partner. It’s no wonder relationships break down and up; there’s just too much pressure and too many unrealistic expectations. One day I was having lunch with a colleague and I was very upset with my mate. My friend said, “Shaheerah I have discovered why we get disappointed.” “Why?” I asked. “ We set ourselves up for disappointment with our expectations. Stop expecting that people be a certain way. They can only be who they are. That really shifted my sad energy into peace quickly. I was sitting there sad because I wasn’t getting what I wanted and I was wanting something that he was either unwilling to give or wasn’t able to give. Bingo.

I spoke with a young woman during the Christmas holidays and she was in tears, feeling she “should” have a date on New Year’s Eve. She was feeling remorseful that she had been spending time with someone who really didn’t care about her. “ I put up with his crap just ‘to be with’ someone,” she cried. I said to her, “How many times have you been with someone on New Year’s Eve?” She said, “About 15 times.” “Well were you happy all 15 times, being with someone?” She said, “No.” “Are you willing to make a decision to create an enjoyable evening for yourself without it being centered around the kiss under the mistletoe at midnight? Or can you buy some mistletoe and give yourself a big hug at midnight?” She laughed.

Too many people believe in the illusion that being with someone means you won’t feel lonely again. You can feel lonely in a crowd or in the bed with your mate. Loneliness is not about someone being in your bed or on your arm. It’s time to break the spell. The prince isn’t coming and Cinderella made her transition a long time ago. Stop waiting for “the one” and realize that you are the one you have been waiting for.

A Course in Miracles says it is “not our job to seek for love, but to seek for all the barriers we hold against its coming.” Marianne Williamson’s book, A Return to Love is one the best books ever. She says, “Thinking that there is some special person out there who is going to save us is a barrier to pure love. It is a large gun in the ego’s arsenal. It is a way the ego tries to keep us away from love, although it doesn’t want us to see that.”

What are you waiting for? How much longer will you hold yourself hostage from living the life you were meant to live? Who’s really stopping you from being happy right now.
Mind training is a process and you may have to talk to yourself often. The tyrant in your mind is the ego. Talk back to the tyrant in your mind. Put him/her on notice that you are no longer willing to live in an illusion that doesn’t serve you. Let it know that you know that you are worthy.

During this month start a new campaign called “loving yourself.” Start loving on yourself when you wake up. Give your body sweet nourishment and look in the mirror and say, “Good morning beautiful, I love you, this is going to be a happy and exciting day.” Love your cells. Feed them pure, live foods. Bless your body, love it by massaging it. Pamper your feet and love them for carrying you all of these years. Bless all of the clothes that you put on your body. Be grateful for your life just as it is and count your blessings all day long. Buy yourself some flowers. Buy yourself a valentine’s card and mail it to yourself.

What makes you feel loved? Whatever it is, indulge yourself. I love baths, candles and incense. When my home is in order with clean surfaces, it sends a message to me that I am worthy. This makes me “feel” rich; simplistic beauty and order and time to sit in it and be.

As you practice loving you, your vibration rises to a high level and you are automatically a magnet for happy experiences and blessings. The texture of your life will begin to feel magical. Love is a power and it is the greatest attracting power in the universe. Turn on your love light and let it shine this month. Happy Valentine’s Day!