Healing Within The Family

 by Joyce and Barry Vissell

In every family there is some degree of dysfunction. I know that we have ours. Even the families that look like they could win the “Family of the Year Award” have their issues. In our travels doing workshops in the United States as well as Europe we hear many people tell stories about the problems with their families. This element of dysfunction is part of what makes the family unit such a rich ground for personal growth. Some people hide from their families, moving very far away and never visiting. These people are missing out on an amazing growth possibility.

Recently we had an experience with a couple who brought conscious growth into their large family of relatives. This couple wanted Barry and I to marry them, but rather than having us travel to their city only for the wedding, they decided to have us do a workshop the weekend of their wedding and they would invite all of their siblings, relatives and closest friends. (There were no remaining parents that were alive.) Then two hours after the workshop was over they would get married.

When Barry first told me of their plan I thought they must be joking. Invite all your relatives to a workshop right before you get married? I had never heard of such an idea. They wanted to bring conscious growth to their family and figured a wedding was a perfect time since everyone would be there. The plan unfolded and the relatives came, many having never attended a workshop before. There were sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, brother-in-laws, two aunts in their 80s and a flock of close friends.

Very quickly the workshop went deep with emotional honesty and vulnerability. The bride’s sister broke into tears and asked to be forgiven for dropping the “bride” when she was a baby and the sister was a little girl. She had always felt a lot of guilt. The two sisters lovingly held each other and there was forgiveness. We had the participants get in touch with what they most needed to hear as a child. One woman in her early 20s, a niece of the bride, shared how much she had missed her father because he was so busy. Her father, sitting in a different part of the room walked over and held her. He told her that he didn’t realize how his busyness had hurt her. He vowed to try and make it up to her by being more present, understanding and loving. The two cried in each others arms, as the rest of us felt the healing taking place between them. The two aunts in their 80s were amazing. They didn’t even know what a workshop was and yet they jumped in with enthusiasm and shared some very vulnerable things, which brought more tears and closeness within the family.

At the end of Saturday the group was feeling very close and connected. To end our time for that day, we had the bride and groom sit in front of all of us and share their greatest challenge and how we could support them. This was very beautiful as they shared vulnerably how they wanted to remember to take time away from their busy lives to really be together. As a group of family members and close friends vowed to help them remember to spend quality time together, the couple felt overwhelmed by so much support and love directed at them.

Sunday, the last day of the workshop arrived bright and sunny. This was the wedding day! On Saturday, people in the group had worked through pain, guilt, shame, sadness and unworthiness, to uncover the beautiful person within each one. The mood Sunday was loving and happy. To prepare ourselves for the wedding we focused on our spiritual nature and the knowledge of how loved and cherished we are. The workshop ended with all of us appreciating the bride and groom for almost an hour. This was very touching, as sisters tearfully shared appreciations, nieces cried in appreciation for all the bride has meant to them, the older aunts appreciating the groom and warning him to be good to the bride. There was so much joy and lightness in the room of almost 50 people.

We quickly changed our clothes and the wedding began. We have been the ministers for quite a few weddings, but never has there been a wedding with so many happy and prepared people. All the work they had done during the workshop allowed for so much joy.

So perhaps you are saying, well that is well and good, but we aren’t expecting any weddings in the family in the near future. You can still work on family issues and make your interactions more real and meaningful. Several years ago my brother’s four grown children all visited from various parts of the United States to help us celebrate my mother’s 88th birthday. My brother’s children are all very funny and there was much laughter as they told jokes and did their imitations. The last night of their time with us we announced that we would be doing something different than all the jokes and funny stories. We told them that we would be appreciating each other. One person would take a turn and the others would all appreciate that person. The groans from them and our three children were audible, when my mother sweetly said, “Oh I love that idea, let’s do it.” And so we began. Our children are used to this kind of “torture,” but my brother’s children had never done this before. Because my mom wanted this, everyone participated fully. Soon there were tears, as my brother’s children started appreciating each other for perhaps the very first time. There were comments such as, “Oh I didn’t know you felt that way. It makes me so happy to hear you say that. Thank you for caring so much, I guess I just didn’t know.” My mother loved it all and even though they might not admit it, I believe all of her grandchildren loved it as well. A sweet healing took place, as appreciation and honesty held court for a wonderful hour.

It takes courage to bring more honesty and vulnerability into a family, but the efforts are well worth it. Bringing healing and deeper love into the family structure will bless your life a thousandfold. Be creative and begin.

Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964, are the authors of several books and workshop leaders. Call (800) 766-0629 or visit www.sharedheart.org.