Many of the ideas for this article have been inspired by the book, Calling in the One by Katherine Woodward Thomas. The book is a 7-week process to attract into your life, “the love you have been waiting for.” A few of us have found that it actually calls in your authentic life, which is laden with opportunities, possibilities, more peace and more joy.

Katherine says, “All relationships are an energy exchange. Each connection either feeds us power or sucks it away, i.e., ‘draining’ our energy. If we saw all of our relationships from this perspective, we would see that ‘toxic ties’ are those attachments that cause us to lose personal power.”

Toxic is defined as 1. involving something poisonous; relating to or containing a poison or toxin 2. deadly: causing serious harm or death.

Tie is defined: fasten something with rope; linked, joined, connected.

So put it together and you have this picture of yourself joined with a poisonous energy that causes harm and can be a catalyst for death. This is some very serious stuff.

Become aware of how you are “feeling” when you are with people. They are either nurturing to your spirit or toxic to your spirit. Would you allow someone to bring 170 pounds of toxic waste into your home? I certainly would not. Well there is no difference between the toxic waste and the toxic energy that a person who weighs 170 pounds can bring with them into your personal space, ear or home. Some of these toxic ties are with family members and/or friends.

Susan Forward, author of Emotional Blackmail, talks about the “blinding FOG – Fear, Obligation and Guilt” – that characterizes most “toxic tie” relationships.

Unbridled fears that we are unlovable, that we will never find anyone to really love us or that we will be abandoned and therefore annihilated. This FOG entices us to give away more and more of our personal power. Often, due to an undeveloped ability to set healthy emotional boundaries, we will become overly responsible for another’s feelings and allow an inappropriate sense of obligation to dominate how we make choices regarding the relationship. Or we will feel consumed by the feelings of guilt and shame; as if we owe another our very life force for things we have allegedly done to them in the past.

Enough already. Stop allowing others to capitalize on your vulnerabilities because all they are doing is exerting a manipulative effort at getting what they want at your expense. Real love will never use fear, obligation or guilt to influence. Until you clear your life of these “untrue” loves, you will block “true” love from being able to come to you and you will always know in your heart of hearts, that you are settling.

These types of relationships suck the life force right out of us, draining much of our creativity and personal power. Often, when we find ourselves in these types of relationships we will justify all sorts of poor behavior by convincing ourselves that over time, the other person will change.

If we go about trying to change them, they really don’t appreciate it at all. People don’t respond well when we try to “improve” them. We are always training people how they need to be with us by how we respond to their behavior. What you tolerate will happen again… and again... and again.

If you find yourself in a toxic tie, it’s not the other person’s fault. If you are allowing someone to use you, manipulate you and treat you badly, then you must ask yourself what the relationships is reflecting in your relationship with yourself.

Toxic ties undermine and weaken us. We hold on to them because somewhere inside we think it’s better to hold on to someone who loves us a little rather than risk being without anyone at all. A Course In Miracles says that “littleness” will never satisfy us. In Chapter 15, III, Littleness versus Magnitude, “Be not content with littleness. But be sure you understand what littleness is and that you could never be content with it. Littleness is the offering you give yourself. When you strive for anything in this world in the belief that it will bring you peace, you are belittling yourself and blinding yourself to glory. Choose littleness and you will not have peace, for you will have judged yourself unworthy of it. And whatever you offer as a substitute is much too poor a gift to satisfy you. It is essential that you accept the fact and accept it gladly, that there is no form of littleness that can ever content you.”

Many people hold on to unhealthy relationships because they are afraid it’s the best they can do and because they don’t believe they deserve real, fulfilling love. Releasing them requires the courage that comes only when one’s commitment to love is greater than one’s fear of being alone. If the truth were told, inside of the unhealthy relationships there is already a profound loneliness permeating the relationship.

If you believe that you can hold on to these toxic ties and simultaneously create an extraordinary life filled with love and fulfillment, then you are operating under an illusion. Wake up and smell the herbal tea! Toxic ties cost us big time. If you are feeling stuck in your life, look to see who or what it is that you are stuck to.

Here’s your homework. Answer the following questions and don’t limit your answers to those you have had romantic encounters with. Include anyone who comes to mind, be it friends, family, coworkers etc.

What relationship(s), if any, do I suspect may qualify as a “toxic tie”?

Choose one of these relationships to work on today completing the following questions. When you can, return to this list and complete the following questions with everyone you’ve listed.

1. What fear(s) are dominating me in this relationship?

2. What obligations do I feel compelled to fulfill?

3. In what ways am I allowing myself to be manipulated through feelings of guilt and shame?

4. What does this relationship reflect in my relationship to myself?

5. What can I give up in order to restore my own sense of personal power?

(For example, avoiding having that person become angry with me, doing for that person what they won’t do for him/herself, etc.)

6. What boundaries could I set that would increase health and wellness in this relationship?

Make a commitment today to give up participation in all toxic-tie dynamics, by righting your relationship to yourself first. Look at how you mistreat yourself. It can be things like not resting, not eating healthy, not standing up for yourself or not saying no when you know you need to. For the next 21 days take one action to set a healthy boundary with someone you have been engaged in a toxic-tie relationship with. In closing, Gita Bellin says, “There are always risks in freedom. The only risk in bondage is that of breaking free.