Healing Relationships

 by Steven E. Hodes

A lovely 65-year-old patient returned to my office, after several years of good health, with complaints of lower abdominal pains.

When I asked her what was going on in her emotional life, a painful story poured out of her. “I just got back from a weekend at my daughter’s. It was difficult. She always seems angry and nasty when I’m around. I tried to make some suggestions about how she and her husband are taking care of my granddaughter, but she just snapped at me. She only calls me to complain, never just to say she loves me. I know she’s stressed out and I try my best to be supportive, but she upsets me so much.”

“But do you really think that’s why my stomach hurts?” she wondered.

Our personal relationships can be the source of our greatest joys... and our most devastating sorrows. Ever wonder how much time you spend enjoying your relationships and what percentage of our lives are entangled in the negative aspects of those connections?

Just think of the last family reunion or get together with old friends. Did you come away thinking it was great or did you come away complaining about one or more of the people you were with? What about your mate, your kids, your work friends. How often are they a source of joy and how often do you feel they are a source of stress?

When we are upset and disappointed by others we quickly fall into a state of self-examination. Was it our fault? What did we say? Was it the attitude of our loved-one? What can we do to fix it? Are they angry with us, are they trying to hurt us on purpose? In truth, it is nearly impossible to comprehend the motives of others. They may not understand them either.

But perhaps we cannot help ourselves when we react this way. Seeing the darkness and becoming defensive is how our ancestors survived. The worriers among them – the ones that ran at the first glimpse of trouble, who stood erect at the first strange noise, who saw the world as threatening and dangerous – probably survived to reproduce. They passed along these traits, this negative perspective on reality to future generations, namely us. It is literally in our genes.

But human behavior is far more complex and it, too, impacts on how we relate to each other. There are other impulses which often surprise us – compassion, sensitivity, altruism, courage, a willingness to die for a country, a cause, a loved-one. This tribal identification, not dissimilar to the reactions of “hive” animals such as ants and bees, promotes the survival of the group, even at the expense of some of its defenders.

Our human emotions today still rise up from a primal place. Because we are such profoundly emotional creatures and because we are so susceptible to those we care about, we are often unable to “be objective” about what is truly going on with them and sometimes we are not clear on our own feelings and how they affect us.

We need to understand how powerfully our emotions can override sober judgment and rationality. And that the ability to step back from our feelings, put them aside for a moment and examine why we feel so strongly in the first place is a great skill. It is because we truly care about the other that we feel so much pain. Because two parties, each feeling wounded and defensive can rarely see through the fog of feeling.

Those who believe that souls reincarnate over many life-times with the same souls playing different roles may perceive this as a difficult conundrum. How do we reconcile our pain and suffering that derives from difficult relationships with our awareness that we are in this life together for a reason? Could be that healing is the path we are meant to take or that self-preservation is what we are here to learn. We have to be willing to accept it could go either way.

DR. STEVE'S PRESCRIPTIONS:

1. Understand the nature of any close relationship. Our close relationships are the source of much of what we consider to be happiness. There is usually a strong basis of mutual love and respect. But they are equally the source of the most powerful anger and despair.

2. Admit we are most vulnerable to those we care for. When conflict arises, emotions are easily injured. If we deny or avoid this awareness, it can lead to a cycle of escalating insults and issues that add more pain and pull people who love each other apart.

3. Institute damage control as soon as possible by reigning in your emotions and taking some time out to assess. It is important to realize that relationships can be repaired and transformed. Our natural tendency is to see confrontations as a disaster, when in fact anger and harsh words may actually be the first step to recognizing conflict and trying to heal it.

4. Protect yourself from negative energies when loved ones do not choose to take the conscious path as you have. The mind/body/spirit connection is powerful and if you find yourself getting sick or depressed listen to you body as it will react to confrontations

5. Clean up karma as best you can. Past-life connections may impel us to seek reconciliation with loved-ones who have hurt and disappointed us. It may seem easier to walk away from such individuals. But ultimately, we need to realize that working through our relationship may be one of our life’s goals. On the other hand, your pain may be related to the fact that someone you love is not keeping a karmic contract with you. If this is the case, sometimes you cannot repair or heal the situation. Don’t worry, the universe has a way of correcting there things and another person will come into your life to surrogate.

© Steven E. Hodes, M.D

Steven E. Hodes, MD is a board certified gastroenterologist with over 25 years private practice based in Edison and Old Bridge New Jersey and author of the forthcoming book, “Meta-Physician On Call.” He’s devoted himself to speaking and writing about metaphysics and healing, with an eye toward helping people regain their health, strength and the ability to explore life’s challenges from as more spiritual perspective. Visit www.meta-md.com.