Mining For The Gold In Relationships

One of the most incredible, revealing and most transformative weekends of my life, was the weekend I experienced “The Imago Couples Weekend” with Jesse and Melva Johnson. Imago means “the big picture.” This process gives you the opportunity to see things about yourself and your partner that perhaps you didn’t know about yourself. I thought I knew all there was to know about me. I had been a truth seeker over two decades and boy was I pleasantly mistaken.

At the time, I was basically dragging my former mate to this weekend so that he could be healed of “his” demons and shortcomings. (LOL) I certainly got much more than I expected. I saw my own big picture and his and it was profound. That weekend was the one time that I “felt” that I was heard by my mate. Being heard felt very comforting and validating to my soul. I received tools that weekend that I use daily in all of my relationships whether it’s business, family or intimate. I am constantly mining for “the gold” in my relationships. The first place I begin mining is with me, daily.

Jesse and Melva Johnson have a new book entitled, Mining For Gold. They have spent at least seven years writing this book, compiling their combined over 60 years of experience, working with the minds and hearts of people. I have been on tippy toes awaiting their book and it’s an awesome work that is going to touch couples, singles and those in the “helping” profession beyond even their wildest imagination. (www.miningforgoldrelationships.com)

Harville Hendrix and his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt wrote the forward to the book. They are authors of the best-seller, Getting The Love You Want. They say in the forward, “Although unknown by the participants who fell in love, their choice of a partner was fueled by unmet needs from childhood.” The subconscious part of our mind will win every time. Unconsciously we choose partners to help us complete our childhood woundings. We don’t get to see that initially. I remember Melva saying, “It’s like a chemical that goes off in the brain and then you are attracted to someone; and then that chemical wears off.” The things that we thought were so cute, all of sudden, two months or two years later those exact things get on our last nerve. Relationships go through various phases, which the Johnsons explained so profoundly in Mining For Gold.
Ultimately, we are drawn together to heal and be healers for each other.

Yet, most people don’t have the tools for this undertaking and so once the chemical wears off they are ready to go to another plot of earth hoping that the new location will bring them what they really want. If they had the tools, they could begin digging right where they are for the gold that exists in their present relationship. Having the tools doesn’t guarantee a happy forever after relationship, yet it does guarantee growth of the soul and peace within yourself. At least that is my experience of doing the work. Some people can get the tools and still choose not to use the tools. Some people go through the Imago experience and see clearly that they do not need to go any further in their marriage or relationship. No matter what the outcome, awareness of yourself is paramount in any endeavor in your life and it’s imperative for healthy relationships.

From the Imago experience, I learned the importance of taking care of myself while in a relationship. I learned that opposites do attract and that that is by divine design. One person has what the other doesn’t and vice versa. You come together to stretch the other person. The problem sometimes though is, the other person doesn’t want to be stretched and the triggers get so intense that they act out and trigger the other person’s childhood woundings and next thing you know… breakup! Breakup is not the worst thing that can happen. Refusing to see, refusing to own your stuff and committing to hiding, I feel, is the downside of relationships. Until you own your own part and come out of the victim mode you are on an endless wheel of disappointment and unhappiness. I tell people all of the time to take some time out and heal. Take some time out and fall in love with yourself. You attract at the level of where you are all of the time. So love yourself enough to raise your mind and heart to a level that you can attract situations and people who make you smile.

I counsel couples before doing weddings. I have counseled some that I clearly see their childhood woundings and many I advise to go to the Imago Weekend.

Sometimes, my heart is touched deeply because I clearly see that many of us weren’t given tools to mine for the gold. In order for any relationship to be a healthy one, communication is key. Too often we want to talk and not listen to the other person. We are afraid to enter into the world of another person. Too often we are thinking about what we are going to say next versus listening to what isn’t being said as the other person speaks. Communication is not always with words. Silence is communication also.

Too often we are so invested in what we want in a relationship and not in touch or even concerned about what the other person desires. Relationships are not just about “getting.” The Ego is about getting. Relationships are about growing, sharing and loving unconditionally.

For years now I have been re-parenting myself. I am constantly “learning” how to love me because I was not programmed as a child to love me. I, like so many others, was programmed to love others and put myself last on the list of things to be done. I really got it that until I love me no one else can because relationships mirror our own inner state.

These relationships also represent the opportunity to heal childhood wounds, why not work on healing inner child stuff on your own so that some of that doesn’t have to be manifested in the relationship?

In all relationships whether co-workers, child/parent or lovers; conflict and frustration rises up. Having tools to work through the conflicts is a beautiful thing. What if we began to look at the challenges in our relationships with the knowledge that there is gold inside of the conflict or challenge? What if we invested in the idea that it’s important to get the gold whether we hang in there in the relationships or not? What if we understood that the present relationship is a good place to begin mining for the gold?

Not all couples who go to counseling go because they want to make a relationship work. Some go because they want to heal so that their next experience will be an improvement over the present one.

Both people in a relationship must be willing to do the work involved to develop and maintain a happy, harmonious and loving relationship. One person cannot do it alone. I see too often one person trying to be the glue that keeps the relationship together and it just doesn’t work. Take it from me.

I believe we are all seeking love, safety and connection as human beings. I also believe that it’s imperative that everyone take time out in their life at some point, to “be with” themselves and practice loving themselves. A person who loves themselves is attractive. No matter what’s entailed in their physical features. There is an attractive energy that flows from them out into the Universe drawing to them rich experiences and relationships.

Life is relationship. Some folks say, “I am not ready for a relationship.” It doesn’t matter whether you are ready or not; you are always in relationship. Even if it’s with yourself. Mine for the gold in your relationship with yourself and all others.

No one is in your life by accident. Go for the gold!