Wednesdays With Ann And Harry

 by Joyce and Barry Vissell

Barry and I have been privileged to counsel an amazing couple from Maine for the past year. They set up appointments, on Wednesdays, called us and paid us, but it often felt like we should be paying them. We have learned so much from this very special couple. Harry had inoperable metastatic lung cancer and doctors gave him little hope of survival. Ann and Harry have been together for 45 years. They are deeply in love. Having attended several of our couple’s programs, when they received the diagnosis, they called us asking for help to take their love even deeper.

The first and most important lesson that I am reminded of from our time with Ann and Harry is that relationship is sacred. None of us know how much time we have to be together. What we do know is that we have this moment in time. We have the choice to make the best of it or take it for granted. Several times in this past year during one of our couple’s workshops, a couple has been really stuck. Each partner has been polarized and neither is budging from their position. They have been so stuck in fact that they are thinking of leaving one another. I then tell them about Ann and Harry and ask them what they would do if their partner received a life threatening diagnosis. Without a moment’s hesitation both partners fall into each others arms and begin to cry. A life threatening diagnosis puts our life in perspective. Do we still want to hold onto our position, when our partner may not have long to live? Or do we want to make the most of the remaining time we have?

Another reminder from these Wednesday sessions is that there is always more love to be discovered in a relationship. Ann and Harry called us already deeply in love and wanted to go deeper. Over the year they have done just that. They have pushed past any set limits of how much love they could experience. They showed us how beautiful the dying process could be when two people are so open to exploration of feeling. There was no place too scary to go. They delved into the darkest parts of their relationship trusting they could bring more healing and love. And so the love multiplied each time.

Another lesson that came from our time with them was gratitude in the face of seemingly negative situations. Rather than concentrating on the loss and the deterioration of Harry’s body, they both chose to concentrate on the positive. In the same breath that Ann told us that Harry is getting weaker every day and can barely communicate, she also told us that they are enjoying the flowers that he planted last year, going into great detail on the beauty of each one. In talking to Harry, who could hardly speak or breathe, he instead focused upon his gratitude for Ann in his life.

And lastly, a beautiful reminder from Ann and Harry is the importance of love everlasting. Just because a partner leaves his/her body, does that mean that the love is over? Or is the sacred link between two people eternal? Barry and I like to feel that our love for one another is forever. Each year of our 42 year relationship has brought increased love for one another. We feel that our love can just keep growing, whether we are together in these bodies or not.

For six months, it was Ann and Harry’s greatest wish to join Barry and me at the Rowe Conference Center in the Berkshire Mountains in western Massachusetts. They had been joining us and other couples for a couples retreat each Memorial Day weekend. This year they wanted to have us lead them in a “Forever Ceremony,” one in which they would pledge their eternal love to one another. Harry died the morning the retreat began, in his home in Maine with his beloved wife, Ann and their two grown children. We did have the “Forever Ceremony” for them and all the couples joined in while Peter and Lyra Engle sang “Wherever you go, I will go.” Ann and Harry’s deep and committed love for one another touched each one of us. The traditional wedding vows declare “until death do us part,” but true love can never be apart. The form may change, but the love remains and continues to grow.

Relationship is sacred and everlasting. The love between two people should never be taken for granted. It is a privilege to have a sacred love connection with another person. The more we honor that sacredness, the more love will be felt.

Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964, are the authors of several books and workshop leaders. Call (800) 766-0629 or visit www.sharedheart.org.