THE HOLISTIC LAWYER

When I attended the Louise Hay Teacher Training in September of 1999, it opened with a song that repeated the following mantra, over and over: “Doors closing, doors opening, doors closing, doors I’m opening. I am safe, it’s only change. I am safe, it’s only change.” It was a ceremony that opened our hearts to the deep work that was to follow.

Similarly, I have long felt that a closing ceremony was needed for divorcing couples to move freely into their next phase of life. A sheaf of papers, signed by a judge, does not provide people with the closure they need to move forward.

Like a death, divorce marks an ending. And like a birth, graduation or bar mitzvah, it also signals a beginning. As with every rite of passage, a symbolic recognition is needed to enable our spirits to process what has happened.

I recently got a chance to experience such a ceremony at the 2006 Spring Conference of the International Alliance of Holistic Lawyers in beautiful Monterey, California. The creator was author and artist, Eileen Dunn (www.artoftheritual.com).

I met Eileen before the conference and in fact I invited her there to perform the ceremony. Little did I know that I would get to experience it first-hand, as I offered to help Eileen and was given the role of the divorcing wife! A colleague, Carl Michael Rossi, was enlisted as my former spouse.

In preparation for the ceremony, Eileen lit candles and doused a cotton ball for all participants with a special aromatherapy mixture called “Art of Forgiveness.” We were told to sniff it as needed during the ceremony. Special music played in the background.

I’d never met Carl before, but that didn’t matter. Eileen urged us to think of our own divorces or the divorce of someone close to us. I thought of my parents and the feelings came flooding back.

Based on her research, Eileen’s ceremony was divided into three parts. The first part involved acknowledging the loss of the marriage. This is important. At the time of divorce there is often so much anger and animosity that people forget this was the person with whom they thought they’d be spending the rest of their lives. But that person’s importance needs to be acknowledged if we are to ever release our pain and move on.

Eileen took us through a 20 minute guided meditation, as we sat in the middle of a circle surrounded by our “friends.” It is safe to say there was not a dry eye in the house.

Next, Carl and I had to speak words of separation and release to each other. Reading from a script, we were instructed to look into each other’s eyes as we took our turn at asking forgiveness, accepting responsibility and setting each other free. It was tough to do, but extremely powerful.

Afterwards, there was a candle-lighting ceremony, where we both in turn lighted our own candle from a larger candle that symbolized our marriage. We then blew the larger candle out and each of us made a commitment aloud to do 3 things to support our personal health and well-being.

Finally, the third phase involved energetic renewal, bringing our friends into the ceremony. This was a stroke of genius on Eileen’s part. Many times a divorcing couple loses their friends at a time when they need them most. The friends feel they are being disloyal to one if they continue a friendship with the other and so someone ends up hurt. Eileen instructed each friend to come to us as individuals and bless us. They could do this by holding their hands over our heart, massaging our shoulders or giving us a hug. They sent us loving energy, as two separate individuals. Then they gave us a gift.

It didn’t matter what the gift was; the offer to take a walk with us whenever we wanted, buy a cappuccino or go out dancing. What mattered was their connection to our future as newly single people. This part of the ritual built the foundation for a new and different relationship with our “old” friends. At the conclusion, the “divorcing couple” was encircled by all of our friends and shared a group hug. Eileen had taken us safely through pain and sadness, to joy and hope.

Eileen offers a kit on her site which is called “Conscious Divorce.” It includes three bottles of aromatherapy essences (“Shattered Dreams,” “Come to Terms” and “Art of Forgiveness”), a CD with meditative music to play during the ceremony, a book called Conscious Divorce and a script for the ceremony. I intend to offer this service to all of my clients, effective immediately.

If you are going through or have gone through, a divorce or breakup of any kind, I urge you to consider this ceremony for yourself. It may be just what you need to begin life anew. Remember, you are safe. It’s only change.

© 2006 Mindy L. Hitchcock

Mindy L. Hitchcock is a family law attorney with 20 years experience, collaborative law, president International Alliance of Holistic Lawyers, member of the Collaborative Law Institute of Michigan and Human Rights Campaign. mlhitchcock@lady4justice.com, www.lady4justice.com and Access Power Center, www.mindyhitchcock.com.