The Blessing

Like many men, I was an unblessed son. My father never gave me The Blessing. He never hugged me close and told me the words I was dying to hear from him. What I wanted my father to say to me was pretty simple.

“Son, I’m proud of you.”

That’s it, that’s what I wanted more than anything. And he could have said it anytime – after I brought home yet another “A”; after I scored ten points in a basketball game; after I wrote a poem; after I was nice to my sister.

“Son, I’m proud of you.”

Or what would have been even better, he could have said it when I hadn’t accomplished anything so concrete and worthy. He could have said it first thing in the morning, while I was eating corn flakes at the kitchen table. He could have said it at night, right before he closed my bedroom door. “Son, I’m proud of you.” If he had said it then, it would have meant even more. It would have meant:

“Son, you don’t have to make the honor roll or the basketball team. You’re good enough just as you are, right now, without accomplishing another thing. You can relax. You’re enough.”

This is what I wanted my father to say to me while I was growing up and I wanted him to hug me when he said it. This is The Blessing. I wanted my father to give me, his son, The Blessing. A number of women have assured me that they, too, as daughters, sought a Blessing from their father; and although I will continue in what follows with my truth, which is the truth of a son – a truth I have also witnessed in hundreds of other men – I invite you daughters, as well, to the table of The Blessing.

So, have you slowed down in your life long enough to answer this essential question: Growing up, what blessed words did you want your father to say to you? What words from him were you dying to hear – and are still dying to hear? What words from him could bring some healing, some foundation, some freedom? What words would have given you The Blessing?

Now is a good time, if you’re ready and you haven’t already done so, to bring those words to life – to receive The Blessing from your father.

Close your eyes. Listen inside. What you wanted your father to say to you, what you still want your father to say to you, is right there, available, ready for you to wrap words around. I’ll give you some possibilities in a minute, but I don’t want to get in your way. You already know. You already have it. It’s inscribed in your heart. You’ve been mouthing it in dreams for decades. You know it as well as you know your own name.

Close your eyes, go inside and find that now, find those words, those healing words.

And, if you’re ready, here’s the space to write those words down; the next step to making your father’s Blessing real. Write his words for you right here, right now.

After recovering those long-sought words, here are some ways you might try to ignite the magic of those words and to experience even more deeply your father’s powerful, healing Blessing:

Find a private mirror and say your father’s words to yourself into the mirror. Say them aloud, if possible. Say them again. And again. And maybe again.

“Petey, I’m proud of you.”

“Son, it wasn’t your fault.”

“Terry, you’re handsome and smart and I’m sorry.”

“Mike, you can rest now.”

Let come up whatever comes up, – sadness, anger, shame, forgiveness, love.

Have your wife, partner or friend say these words to you. Close your eyes. Take them in. Allow whatever comes up for you to come up. Witness it. As much as possible, relax into it.

Choose a man who carries something of your father’s energy or appearance. He might be your best friend or somebody you barely know. Have this man say the words... say them again... say them a third time. With sincerity, with love, if that’s possible. Trust the process. Let yourself hear these words, let them sink deep, to the wounds beginning. Let what happens, happen.

Imagine your father saying these words to you. See him in your mind’s eye, his distinctive face with the tiny scar over his right eye, his Old Spice smell, his hands. Then look into his eyes as he looks into yours. And have him say the words. What are feeling? Can you just feel it? Can you feel the healing?

If your father is still alive, go to him and tell him what you have always wanted to hear from him. Ask him if he would be willing to say those words right now, right here... And then ask him the words he wanted to hear from his father and maybe, from his son.

How would finally receiving The Blessing change your life? You’ll feel more energized: all the energy that, for years, has been going into searching, searching, searching for The Blessing – often in addictive ways – will gradually be returned to you.

Your long-standing anger, sadness and shame will also subside and you’ll feel more grounded, more secure in the world. Because, no matter what words are Blessed words for you, I believe the underlying message is, finally, the same for all of us: “Son, you have all you need to be a strong, loving man. In this way.” The Blessing of our father confers on us our manhood – our dual capacity to be strong and to love – so that finally, finally, we can feel like we’re enough.

Peter Putnam is an active member of the Mankind Project, teaches writing at Henry Ford Community College and is the father of a blessed son, Henry. His book, The Song of Father-Son: Men in Search of The Blessing, was published in January, 2006. He can be reached at ppblessing@earthlink.net.