Kindness grows out of a mindful approach to life, when you naturally notice the needs of those around you and give them the respect they deserve. But in our busy lives, rush and worry often narrow the focus of attention. Awareness suffers and even for those who are naturally kind, compassion sometimes takes a back seat to expediency. When that happens, some of the sweetness leaves life. It’s worth making civility a priority so that the kindness that’s your own true nature has a chance to blossom and cast its seeds of peace into the world.

Incivility is on the rise and worse, we’ve come to expect it. I was dropping off one of my stepsons in Boulder, where he could take a shuttle van to the Denver airport. Since it was cold outside, we waited in the lobby of the hotel that was the pickup stop. One more passenger waited with us, a high-tech kind of guy who told us that he was on a four-city tour interviewing for a new job. Both of his hands were full of luggage. He had two black wheelies, one of which was topped with a bulky computer case. When the van pulled up, we all headed toward the door.

My stepson Christian and I went to the right and the “techie” moved left. I held the door for Christian and as I let it go, it hit the poor man in the face. He had apparently changed directions in mid-course and followed us out. I was mortified and couldn’t apologize enough. Even if you think that the coast is clear, it’s a good idea to take one last look before letting a killer door have its way.

The man was philosophical. “Think nothing of it. I’m still alive. This sort of thing happens all the time.” That’s the problem – he’s right.

I was at a conference on healing several years ago when a woman rushed up to the podium to make an impassioned announcement before the next speaker began: “We are here at a conference to learn about healing and healing requires kindness and attention. Two of you just walked through a door without looking to see who was behind you. It hit an elderly woman and knocked her down. If we’re too busy to care for one another, we have no business being here.”

The busier we are, the less attention we tend to pay to others and the more irritable and unthinking we can be. This applies not only to strangers, but also to our own family and to the people we work with. Some corporations are so concerned about rude, disrespectful behavior that they’re employing a diagnostic tool called the “Organizational Civility Index” to catalog the incidence and type of poor behavior that pollutes the corporate climate and robs employees of peace of mind.

The December 2000 issue of The National Report on Work & Family reported on a five-year study conducted at the University of North Carolina (UNC). A whopping 100 percent of the 800 people surveyed reported incivility on the job. Eighty-nine percent rated the problem as serious and more than three-quarters thought that it had increased over the past ten years. The UNC study also looked at the results of rude behavior. More than 50 percent of those surveyed lost work time worrying about an incident that had already happened or that might happen in the future. Fifty percent considered quitting to avoid a disrespectful co-worker. The offensive behaviors included belittlement, harassment, condescension, insubordination, emotional tirades, discounting of input, damaging rumors, interrupting and not listening.

Boorish, ill-mannered behavior is getting to be the norm. It’s a rare trip to the supermarket when someone hasn’t left their cart in the middle of the aisle and blocked traffic or you aren’t sideswiped by a swooping shopper. Most people seem to think nothing of it. When apologies are forthcoming, it’s a pleasant surprise indeed. While most of us do our best, almost everyone is occasionally rude. Have you ever failed to listen to a loved one, discounted their opinion, acted condescendingly or lost it emotionally and started to yell?

This month, monitor your actions for civility and kindness. Be a good listener and if you ask for someone’s input, either use it or tell them why you aren’t going to. People need to know that they’re respected members of the home or work team. If you’re tempted to raise your voice to make a point, take a few deep breaths and count to ten. And when someone slams the door in your face, consider your reply. A curt thank you is condescending and sarcastic, although a distinct temptation.

But when you meet rudeness with more of the same, the problem only escalates. If you have any civil ideas about how to respond to a side-swiping shopper or a hit-and-run door artist, please let me know!

*Excerpted from Inner Peace For Busy People,
52 Simple Strategies for Transforming Your Life.

Joan Borysenko, PhD has a doctorate in medical sciences from Harvard Medical School. Currently the president of Mind/Body Health Sciences, Inc., she is an internationally known speaker and consultant in women’s health and spirituality, integrative medicine and the mind/body connection. She is the author of 10 books, including Minding the Body, Mending the Mind. Joan’s website is: www.JoanBorysenko.com.