Great Expectations...Let Go Or Hold On?

When I was a little girl, my father always told me to let go of expectations. That, he said, was the key to happiness. Well, being the youngster I was and living in a world full of expectations in all areas of life – with friends, in school, with religious programming, etc., this didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t understand how to let go of expectations even if I was supposed to. Furthermore, even though my dad said this to me, he held very high expectations of me, thus, imparting a mixed message – certainly confusing to a child.

Expectations are found everywhere in our culture. We have requirements of our friends, our families, our government, our communities and most of all, ourselves. Furthermore, when these requirements are not met, we become angry, frustrated, combatant, aggravated, disgusted, ashamed or exasperated. Is this the way we want to live?

Over time I’ve learned through my spiritual/metaphysical studies that holding expectations becomes a “should” in our minds and only sets us up for failure or anxiety.

This is because making demands upon ourselves or others carries with it the possibility that our demands will be unmet, which can bring disappointment, anguish or irritation.

So what’s the answer? What will happen if we let go of these expectations that we’ve been taught to carry with us wherever we go? I’ve learned through experience that the outcome of this is simply greater inner peace. The apprehension that we have over letting go of our demands is generally unfounded, for what we fear usually does not occur.

Let’s take an example. Suppose we have the expectation that our spouse listen to us more and we fear that if we let go of that “should,” we will never be close. Now, let’s pretend that we let go of that expectation. What might we do instead of demanding more “listening” time? With our minds free from the anticipation of wondering whether we will get what we want, we are in a position to accept our spouse no matter what he/she is doing. Acceptance relaxes our minds and bodies, allowing peacefulness to enter. When we are relaxed, we function in our divine state of existence, which is our natural condition. In a divine state, we are able to access harmonious solutions to problems more easily. So here we are, relaxed and acting from our “higher self.” We take the time now to ask for higher guidance to help us in the pursuit of “healthy” and “peaceful” solutions to the challenge of a “non-listening” spouse. Perhaps we’re led to a book about harmonious communication, perhaps to a class or an article.

Wherever we’re drawn, though, we’re sure to learn new ways of communicating or new ways of conducting ourselves in relationship. Personally, I’ve learned in this situation, to give what it is I want to receive. Thus, if I want to be listened to more, I must listen myself. I find that if the other person feels heard, they will be more willing to hear me when I request it. Furthermore, if my request can be made without demands, then I’ve released my spouse from the pressure of having to perform in a given way. I’ve learned that it’s beneficial to make my wishes known, but also advantageous to let go of the outcome. If my desires are not met, I can forego the disappointment and go back to the divine acts of listening and attempting to understand what my spouse is feeling. These divine acts, I know, are what bring me the inner peace I seek and ultimately bring two people closer. Soon, I can request him/her to listen to me again if needed.

Let’s use another example. Suppose we have set very high expectations for ourselves at work and we fear that if we don’t perform perfectly, we will be fired. Of course, living with this day in and day out, we can feel nervous, uptight or harried. Our discomfort may be amplified by our boss’s unrelenting criticism. Again, let’s imagine that we let go of all expectations of ourselves and concentrate on doing our work in a self-accepting, relaxed state of mind. Once more, we enter a divine state in which we more easily access our creativity, innate ability and intuition. In this condition, aren’t we bound to do a better job than in a state of anxiety? And what of our boss’s criticisms and the fear of being fired? My experience has shown me that if I lose something, then there is something far better that the Universe had in mind for me. Yes, it may be uncomfortable to lose my job and have to go job hunting, but if I trust that the lessons along the way are just the ones I need for my soul’s growth, I can gain much more than I lose. As for my critical boss, it’s time for me to move away from such an energy-draining person and surround myself with healthier co-workers.

One of the scenarios that often comes up in conversation is how to get our kids to do what we want them to do, such as clean their rooms, do the dishes, take out the trash or do their homework. If we don’t have expectations of them, we fear that they will turn out poorly, that we will be seen as awful parents or that they will never get into college. This is one of the trickiest situations, as I see it. Our children need guidance and yet, if we expect too much of them, they will internalize those expectations and carry their critical self into adulthood. How we go about communicating with our children has everything to do with how they see themselves and how they perform in life.

While strong boundaries must be set, there must be some allowance for and understanding of imperfect performance. Kids need to be listened to, talked with and shown compassion. It is then that “goals” and duties can be reiterated (and reiterated again if needed).

To set goals or to clearly state desired results is different than allowing expectations to rule our lives. Expectations carry with them attachment to desired outcomes, whereas goals do not. As human beings we each live to excel and to perfect ourselves and our world. We will always want more than we have from ourselves and from others. Still, we have choices over how we evolve – over how we function to fulfill our needs. To operate from a place of compassion, acceptance and understanding is always a choice that is available to us. To accept ourselves and others just as we are in our human imperfection, leaving expectations behind, is most certainly a key to happiness. This, then, is what is meant by letting go of expectations – fully coming into a state of lovingness for ourselves and all others in our lives.

Laurie Pappas is a spiritual psychotherapist with an MA in Guidance and Counseling and a PhD in Metaphysics. She is the Executive Director of the Metro Detroit Center for Attitudinal Healing and has taught spiritual growth classes and workshops for over 11 years. She has studied Metaphysics for over 25 years and A Course in Miracles for 15 years. She has a private practice in Franklin and can be reached at (248) 626-2312.