A Different Way To Prepare For Retirement

 by Joyce and Barry Vissell

A young couple in their mid 20s recently attended our week-long couple’s retreat in Hawaii. They were obviously very much in love and had been married for only one year. Barry and I were delighted that they had chosen to attend the retreat and allocate the time and money to really work on their relationship. When asked “Why?” they responded, “We’ve made a commitment to attend one couples retreat every year. This is the most important way we’re going to plan for our retirement. When we retire in 40 years we want to be as much in love as we are right now.” What beautiful wisdom, coming from such a young couple.

A few weeks ago we were with several people of retirement age. Barry and I are almost of retirement age, but we don’t plan on retiring for at least 20 more years. Why retire from something that we love so much? Anyway, these people were all talking about their retirement packages, 401-k’s, Roth IRA’s, SEP IRA’s, stocks and funds, etc. One person mentioned that they only have one million dollars for their retirement and they are worried. Another mentioned that they have almost two million but feel they need more. The conversation went on and on, with the two of us becoming more and more quiet. Our retirement funds are so small it almost isn’t worth mentioning. We have been busy giving our three children the best education possible and doing the work that bring us the most fulfillment.

When we were alone again, we talked about the conversations we had just witnessed. At first, our minds thought there must be something terribly wrong with the way we had been living our lives. Then the wisdom of our hearts replaced those thoughts and we realized that love is our real wealth. Much like the young couple that came to our retreat, our goal has always been to experience a deeper and deeper growing love with each other. As a doctor and nurse, we have put off possible high incomes in our respective fields, for a much reduced income and work that we are truly passionate about, work that allows us to go deeper into our love. Yes, our financial retirement plan is nothing to brag about, but our love retirement plan has been abundantly growing.

There is nothing wrong with making money and having a comfortable retirement plan. However many people do this to the detriment of their relationships, as well as living their purpose here on earth. I know a man who was obsessed with making money. He wanted to be sure that he had enough when it was his turn to retire. He worked very long hours and did not want to take vacations. Locked away in his office, he missed much of his children’s growing up. His wife begged him to not work so much and spend more time with her and the children. He always came back with the same line, “We need to have enough money when we retire, then we will go on trips and have all the fun that you want.”

His children grew up and moved far away and still this man continued to work extra long hours at the office. By now he was a very wealthy man, but he kept feeling that they needed more money. His workaholism had become his lifestyle. He had forfeited his freedom and joy.

Then he started noticing that his wife seemed to be forgetting things more than usual. He also noticed that the house was not as neat as she had always kept it. She was not taking as good care of her appearance either. He tried to ignore these signs by working more at the office. Finally he could ignore his wife’s deterioration no more. He came home one day and found a small fire on the stove. She had left the pot on a high burner. He took her to a doctor and she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. The doctor suggested that she be placed in a caring institution right away, as she could hurt herself if left alone.

The man retired with all of his great wealth. He now spends each day going to visit his wife, who no longer recognizes him. His children are estranged and angry with him for never being there for them. What good did all that extra time at the office do? True, he has an abundance of money, but no happy memories of his family to go with it.

When planning for your retirement, balance is the most important. If you think in terms of money only, you will miss the mark. Call it a new model of diversified retirement plan. Plan also for an abundance of love. We just watched Dan in Real Life on DVD. Steve Carrell’s part as a widowed father, trying to protect his three girls, thinks he is doing the right thing and knows more about love by separating his middle daughter from her boyfriend. Before the boyfriend leaves, he summons up his courage and says, “Love is not only a feeling, it’s also an ability.”

Love doesn’t just happen. Love takes time and energy and a willingness to work through all the hard places. Love takes a firm commitment to make your relationship the priority in your life. We all know how incredibly sweet it is to see an elderly couple in their 80s or 90s, holding hands and looking at each other adoringly. Well that kind of love doesn’t just happen. It is an ability that is cultivated over the years through kindness, thoughtfulness and a willingness to really be there for the other. To have that kind of love makes for a beautiful retirement. Happiness does not come from things that money can buy. True happiness comes from knowing that you have loved others and have received love in return.

Joyce and Barry Vissell, a nurse and medical doctor couple since 1964, are the authors of “The Shared Heart,” “Models of Love,” “Risk To Be Healed,” “The Heart’s Wisdom” and “Meant To Be.” Call (800) 766-0629 (locally 831-684-2299) or write to the Shared Heart Foundation, P.O. Box 2140, Aptos, CA 95001, for free newsletter from Barry and Joyce, further information on counseling, books, recordings or talks and workshops. Visit www.sharedheart.org.